Where the Heart Is
by Crysanth
Summary: At age 12, Naruto is returning to the village of his birth for the first time since the Kyuubi attack. He's excited to be a real ninja at last, but dealing with grouchy teammates and a sadistic sensei is trickier than he'd thought.
1. Over the Hill and Through the Woods

**Chapter One:  
Over the Hill and Through the Woods**

"Hey, Jiji!" Naruto called. "I know you can hear me, old man, so quit ignoring me!"

Jiraiya snorted, and adjusted the straps of his backpack so that they rested more comfortably on his shoulders. He _could_ hear his godson bellowing at him from not far behind him on the path, of course. It'd be hard not to: Naruto had a good set of lungs on him, and used them whenever he wanted to be heard. Which, given his personality, was all too frequently.

But he wasn't going to _respond_, of course. That would entirely defeat the purpose of ignoring him.

"Jiji! Slow down for a second and listen to me, goddammit!"

Jiraiya considered for a moment. Any minute now, the kid would-

"AAAAAAARRGHHHH!" Naruto screeched. "_Jiji!_"

Ah, there it was. The kid seriously had to learn some patience, if he was ever going to be a ninja. But whenever he had these little outbursts, he sounded so much like his mother that Jiraiya didn't have the heart to beat it out of him. Besides, Hidden Leaf had plenty ninja of the stoic-disciplined type, and they were no fun at all. So cliché, a dime a dozen. The best ninja were eccentrics- like, well... he was really too modest to say so himself...

But he'd had his fun, and Naruto was looking rather put-out now. Oops.

"What'cha want, kiddo?"

Naruto dropped the pout instantly and began talking a mile a minute. "How long 'til we get there? Can you see it from a distance? What does it look like? Are we going to see any ninja before then? Is it really big, like HUGE, or sorta big like that one town in Sugar Country with the tower and the guy in the funny hat with the tassel and the monkey- though I guess that one was pretty big after all, if you included the palace thingy. Hey, since the buildings in the Hidden Sand are made of sand, does that mean that the buildings in the Hidden Leaf are made of leaves? Haha, or trees. Like a whole city of tree houses, that would be SO cool. And then all the ninja could jump from house to house-"

"Hate to break it to you," Jiraiya said with a chuckle, "but they're just regular houses."

Naruto wilted in disappointment.

"Well, actually," Jiraiya said, reconsidering, "They are sort of roundish. And some of them have _really _wacky paint jobs. But other than that, pretty normal."

"Hm..." Naruto frowned in disapproval. "That doesn't sound very epic or mysterious."

"It's not. Let's see, how can I explain this?" Jiraiya mused. "Did I ever take you to the Hidden Cloud? No, of course I didn't, that would have been stupid-"

"-Jiji!-"

"-and I definitely never took you to Bloody Mist. Terrible hospitality, and the whole place is so damn foggy you can barely see six paces-"

"-come _on_-"

"-as for Hidden Rock, they'd probably set an army on me if I tried crossing that border, so that's off the list-"

"-your _point_, Jiji-"

"-I'm getting to it! You've at least seen pictures of Hidden Cloud, right?"

Naruto wrinkled his nose thoughtfully. "I think so. It's on a really tall mountain, right?"

"Yep. Anyway, Hidden Cloud is all grand and imposing and stunning, because it was designed for ninja. The ratio of ninja to civilians in a place like that is around 45:1. For every 4500 ninja, there's only about 100 civilians. So Cloud can manage quite well in their virtually inaccessible, harsh, and asthetically pleasing environment because their ninja are all trained to deal with the conditions from an early age. Get it?"

The look on Naruto's face was not very promising. "I... guess?"

"In Konoha, on the other hand, the ratio of ninja to civilians is almost 1:2. There are nearly twice as many civilians as ninja."

"Why?"

"When Hashirama Senju, the First Hokage, organized all the scattered clans into a single army in the First Great Ninja War- don't look so blank, I _know _you've studied this- they formed an alliance and settled in the center of the great forest. The settlement became the Hidden Leaf, of course. But the people who living there before the alliance weren't ninja. They were the _civilians_ being protected by the ninja, and helping to fund the war effort. But to get funds, they needed to trade."

Naruto looked vaguely uncomprehending.

"They sold timber and raw materials to the nomad tribes and to the western merchants. To be more accurate, Senju's alliance chose that spot to settle in _because_ it was so conducive to trade. It was already a major market hub before the ninja showed up- but anyway, that's not the point.

"Unlike Cloud and Rock, which were composed almost uniformly of ninja clans, or Mist, which was a mercenary deal- long story, that- Hidden Leaf was based on the cooperation of ninja and civilians from the start."

"Uh... huh."

Jiraiya sighed. "So basically, no tree houses."

Naruto nodded vigorously- anything to avoid another history lecture.

They continued for a few moments in silence, trudging down the shady path in the forest. The day was warm, but the shade was cool. Birds were chirping softly and iridescent blue dragonflies were buzzing about in the dew-damp grass. A few squirrels skittered about in the trees, chittering and rustling the leaves. The grass was tallish on the sides of the road, and filled with white clovers that smelled sweet in the dappled sunlight. A few leaves were scattered on the path.

It was a beautiful day for a journey home.

Jiraiya had not seen his home village in twelve years now. Neither had Naruto. But now the long wait was over, and he and his godson would be going home.

Thinking back on it, there was nothing he regretted. Raising Naruto was his job, although he hadn't foreseen the event _actually_ happening when he agreed to be the godfather of Minato's son. Naruto had no family- where else would he have gone? To some vicious, backstabbing noble clan head who wanted the prestige of raising the Fourth's heir? To some ANBU compound in the middle of nowhere? That was no way to go about it- Naruto deserved, if not a perfect childhood, then at least one with some freedom and adventure.

But now Naruto was old enough to be a genin, it was about time he returned to his home village and became a proper ninja.

Jiraiya had given him a somewhat liberal approximation of the Academy curriculum: a moderately standard education in reading, writing, geography, and history, as well as some of the jutsu that he figured an Academy student should know. It was all baby stuff, of course. Beyond simple calculations, math was ignored entirely. As he had said so eloquently to Naruto, _Who the hell figures you need to calculate the drag on a kunai to chuck it at someone?_ Naruto had agreed vehemently, and so they had opted out of that subject.

Naruto had picked up reading and writing with surprising quickness. By the time he was eight or nine, he'd begun to correct Jiraiya's manuscripts for fun. When Jiraiya realized that his corrections were actually valid points, he'd arranged for Naruto to spend an hour a day editing his writing. The kid had thrown a fit at first, but gave in when he'd added a extra large bowl of ramen as an added incentive. Likewise, he wasn't as terrible at history and geography as he seemed- he was just a lot more hands-on with his learning. (Math was a different deal entirely. He sucked at that.) But he was legitimately interested in stories of famous ninja.

Especially stories about his parents, and stories about Hidden Leaf.

Though Sarutobi-sensei had suggested to him that Naruto not be told the truth about his parents until he was older and no longer a security hazard, Jiraiya had refused. He'd seen the point, of course: let even the most amiable and good-natured citizen from Earth Country find out about Naruto's heritage, and they'd have a war on their hands in an instant. The Yellow Flash hadn't been too popular in Hidden Rock, to put it mildly. But Naruto deserved their memory at least, and he could keep a secret.

Actually, he'd made a policy of always being honest with the kid. His parents were one of Naruto's secrets, and the Nine-tails was another.

Because really, only a moron would _not _tell him that he was a Jinchuuriki.

He'd also trained Naruto in taijutsu. Well... sort of. What he'd really done was pay a couple of village brats to help out, since if _he _tried teaching taijutsu he'd probably end up killing the kid just by accident. It was so easy to forget that people who weren't trained were so pathetic. Anyway, Naruto had picked up the basics of street fighting from the urchin kids. After that, Jiraiya had done his best to refine the kid's techniques, since he was just too stupid to do it on his own.

To his delight, however, Naruto wasted no time in refining the basic Transformation. _That one_ had been _interesting._

Lost in thought, Jiraiya trudged onward along the road.

"Hey, jiji?" Naruto asked, breaking him from his reverie.

"What's up, kiddo?"

"About Hidden Leaf. I was wondering if you could tell me what it's like again. "

"Well, if I had to say-"

"-Oh," interrupted Naruto, "By the way, _please_ don't talk about the history. My head hurts."

"Quit interrupting, you brat! Anyway, it's like any big city. The people are nice, very friendly, and the women are quite frankly _stunning_-"

"_Jiji._"

"Very lax regulations on the bathhouses, too-" Jiraiya caught Naruto's mutinous glare. "Okay, okay. Honestly, you have no appreciation for my art."

Annoyed, Naruto swung a fist at his godfather, who ducked easily.

A small scuffle ensued. Naturally, Jiraiya won.

* * *

**Much Later**

A travel-weary pair emerged from the woods onto the main path. One of the two, an old man with long white hair and a red vest, was looking exasperated at the antics of the other. Despite this, and his evident age, he did not appear excessively wearied by his journey. Rather, he was energized by the proximity of their destination and appeared eager to get there. The second, a blond child in an orange t-shirt and long pants, was smudged and grimy in a way that told of a long way traveled on foot. He was practically hopping with excitement, walking quickly and bouncing on the balls of his feet as if he wanted to run ahead right away.

"Come on, old man!" cried Naruto in a pained voice. "We're so _close_, so let's hurry up!"

"You're telling _me _to hurry up? Now tell me, which of us is the one who can't use the Body Flicker technique and get here the convenient way? Which of us hasn't signed a summoning contract and can't reverse-summon himself? And _which _of us has put up with all these inconveniences and taken the whole journey on foot so that the _slow_ one has company on the trip?" Jiraiya deliberately stuck his hands in his pockets and ambled along, seeming, if anything, to be slower than before.

"Dammit, jiji, I wanna get there now!"

"Patience is a vital virtue for any good ninja."

"Aw, shut up!"

"Oi, show some respect! Damn brat."

Naruto gave him a wicked grin. "Oh, I get it. You're so _old_ that you're all tired out."

Jiraiya swatted at the impudent brat, but he managed to skip away and evade the blow.

"Losing your touch, old man?"

"Oh, now you're just asking for trouble!"

"Catch me if you can!" Naruto took off running full-out down the path, laughter ringing in his wake.

So of course Jiraiya had to go after him. When he finally caught up- because Naruto'd had a head start, _not _because he was in any way losing his touch- he made to grab the kid in a headlock and give him the greatest noogie of all his twelve years combined.

Or, at least, that was what he'd intended to do.

But when he saw Naruto's face, he paused. The kid was perfectly still, as if time had frozen around him and the world had gone silent around him. His mouth was slightly opened, but no words came out. His eyes were wide and shining with an incredible awestruck light. The only part of him that moved was his blond hair, shifting slightly in the breeze.

Knowing what he would see, and feeling the warmth of home in his chest, Jiraiya turned and gazed south along the path.

Towards Leaf.

* * *

There it was. The scene he'd imagined his entire life.

From the ridge he was standing on, the whole of Hidden Leaf Village could be seen. The tall gates surrounding the city from the north, and the mountain that cradled it from the south. The round, multicolored rooftops in brick red and mint green and turquoise and gold and orange. The Hokage Mountain, and the watchful gazes of the people that his godfather had told him bedtime stories about. Hashirama and Tobirama Senju. Hiruzen Sarutobi. And The Fourth.

The buildings weren't grand or majestic like the capitol cities of Sugar Country and Sky Country. They weren't elegant like the palaces of the Feudal Lords. They weren't ancient and weathered like the desert shelters of Sand. They were houses and apartments, like those you'd see anywhere. The architecture of the place was, as Jiraiya had told him, oddly round, almost cylindrical, like tree trunks. The rooftops in the sunlight looked like a million fallen leaves in a million stunning colors.

The buildings were interspersed with real trees, as well. It was clear that the city had been built_ over_ the forest, rather than merely _in _it. Large patches of trees big enough to be small forests could be found in some areas, _in the middle of the city_. He couldn't fathom it, not even with the real thing right in front of him. How _big_ was that city? It couldn't be much larger than Sand, but it somehow seemed immeasurably more immense.

And it was... home?

He was born in this city. It _was_ his home. But he felt no sense of familiarity or belonging, only awe.

Instinctively, he turned to his godfather for assurance. Moving from place to place, he'd never really grown attached to any specific area. Consciously, he knew that 'home' was a village, far away like a storybook. But subconsciously, he knew that his home was wherever Jiji was.

Jiraiya looked back at Naruto with a grin. "How about it, kiddo?"

If Jiraiya was with him, then anywhere was good enough as home.

"Well," said Naruto, returning the grin mischievously. "I'll bet I can get there before you can!"

And then he took off running again. His godfather, letting loose an impressive repertoire of vivid and creative curses under his breath, followed him just a step behind.

* * *

**Chapter Two Title: "Chaos, Thy Hue Is Orange"  
**

**Naruto returns to Konoha and promptly begins his venture for adventure. He goes to the Academy and plans to overthrow the public school system, causes several lifelong bloodfeuds entirely by coincidence,**** meets the love of his life,** inadvertently misleads the young and impressionable, accidentally vandalizes several priceless national treasures, and runs into Anko. 'Nuff said. 

**Well, who the heck invented all these stupid rules, anyway?**


	2. Chaos, Thy Hue Is Orange

**Sorry, kiddos. Chapter Two as originally planned became a heckuva lot longer than it was supposed to be. I decided to chop it into two or three parts, so that I would be able to post according to schedule and not wait until next week to finish writing. I hope that you aren't too traumatized.**

* * *

**Chapter Two:  
Chaos, Thy Hue is Orange  
**

The gates of the village were before them now, just yards away. If Naruto wanted, he could take a few steps over and actually touch them- not that he wanted to, really, but the idea itself was kinda cool. They towered over him, much taller than they looked from a distance, painted decoratively like every other building in the village.

Of course, it was what was on the inside of the gates that mattered.

Jiraiya gave him a 'little pat on the back' of sorts that was really more of a shove, and Naruto stumbled forward. "Oi, brat. If you take much longer gaping at every little thing, we'll never make it inside by sundown."

He gave his godfather an indignant look. "I wasn't _gaping_. I was observing."

"Well, quit observing and get a move on, then."

It was a quiet day at the gates of Hidden Leaf. They were, in fact, the only travelers trying to enter through this gate, whereas on a busy day (Jiraiya had told him) there was almost a constant stream of people requesting entrance or exit passes. Trading, visiting relatives, running errands, going on pilgrimages, selling goods, taking messages, carrying goods, buying medicine, requesting missions: the village was full of people coming and going at any given time of day.

But Naruto shook off his fascination and stepped through the gate.

To one side, there was a desk occupied by two uniformed ninja.

These were, in fact, the very first Leaf ninja he had ever seen, (discounting his godfather who wasn't really a normal ninja) (and also discounting anyone he'd seen before he left the village, because, y'know, he'd been _one day old_) and he was practically buzzing with excitement.

Except they weren't all that impressive.

One of the two was gazing off to the side, the picture of utter boredom. He held a clipboard halfheartedly in one hand and used the other to rest his chin upon. His partner was even worse- he was dead asleep with his head on his arms, snoring audibly. His mouth was slightly open, too, and his hand hung limply over the edge of the table.

The first ninja caught sight of them and went pale as a sheet. He sat up abruptly and jabbed his dozing partner with an elbow. "Jiraiya-sama!"

His partner snorted. "Yeah, right. Give it up, Izumo. You're not getting me with _that _one again."

"_Shut up, Kotetsu_!" the first one, Izumo, whispered violently.

Kotetsu yawned expansively and opened one eye. Upon seeing Jiraiya, he sat bolt upright. "Holy crap, it _is _him- I mean, welcome back! D-doing how good me hope?"

"Oh, for God's sake- give me the damn clipboard and _be quiet_. You're gibbering." With one deft movement, Izumo did indeed snatch his partner's clipboard. After a brief search, he also located a black pen. He bit down on one end and pulled the cap off.

Jiraiya snorted.

"See this, kiddo?" he said to Naruto. "This is the one job you absolutely must not get stuck with."

"How come?"

"Well, not only is it the most goddamn boring job ever," he said, with a nod to the still-shellshocked Kotetsu, "But when you start, you'll be known forever as that one ninja who sits by the gate with the clipboard all day, like a mascot or something. _No_ one will take you seriously. I mean, even if you're capable, it's like, 'Make _him_ Hokage? He's the passport guy!' Not a good label."

"Ohhh... okay," Naruto agreed, giving Izumo a distinctly pitying glance.

Kotetsu twitched.

Izumo, looking slightly depressed, coughed. "Um, Jiraiya-sama?"

"Oh, sorry," he turned to the chunin with a friendly smile. "Just taking advantage of a teaching opportunity. What'cha need?"

"Two forms of photo identification, your certification code, and your entrance visa should be fine. Also, you need to write your full name here, and then sign next to it and write the date. As for your, um, companion, I take it he's a minor?"

"Yep."

"In which case I still need at least one photo ID for him and one from his parent or guardian. He should write his name down and sign as well, but he needs his parent or guardian to sign for him as well. If they aren't present, we have a waiver form that can be filled out which ensures that the parent or guardian is responsible for the minor's actions during his stay in the Hidden Leaf and that the village is exempt from any responsibility in an incident which may involve any, some or none of the following: injury, death, trauma, loss of personal possessions, temporary or permanent impairment of physical capacities, harassment by civilian parties, refusal to provide goods or services, violation of contractual agreements with any third party, and attacks by any animal, feral or domestic. Also, Hidden Leaf demands the right to press charges for any crime according to the village laws, which may result in temporary or permanent imprisonment, the paying of fines-"

"-Okay, okay, I'll sign the damn clipboard!" cried Jiraiya in exasperation. "Damn bureaucracy."

Naruto rather thought that Izumo looked a little smug. Well, it was really fair payback.

Now, however, the ninja paused. "Wait, if you're signing for him..." He went a little green and swallowed nervously. "That means that..."

"He's my _godson_, not my kid, so you can shut up now," said Jiraiya in a huffy sort of way. "And hand over the damn clipboard, thank you."

Izumo looked immensely relieved. "Right away, sir."

Jiraiya seized the clipboard and the pen and wrote in a large, impressive hand:

THE GREAT AND BELOVED JIRAIYA OF THE SANNIN

To which Naruto added, in a messy scrawl:

NARUTO UZUMAKI, KING OF RAMEN

And then, as an afterthought:

VOTE UZUMAKI FOR GODAIME HOKAGE!

Jiraiya took the clipboard back from him and inspected it carefully.

Then he ruffled Naruto's hair. "Nice going!" he said cheerfully. "You've still got a ways to go before you reach my level, but you sure know how to make an impression."

"What'cha mean, 'a ways to go'?!" Naruto protested indignantly. "'King of Ramen' is _way_ better than 'The Gray and Balding Jiraiya of the Whatchamacallits'!"

"I'm not old, goddammit!" Jiraiya cried. He turned and shoved the clipboard at Izumo. "Here take it. That everything?"

"Two photo IDs for you, one for him, a confirmation code and an entrance visa, sir."

Jiraiya looked outraged. "I'm one of the Sannin! Don't I get to bypass the bureaucracy on account of my legendary exploits?"

"Um, no."

Naruto just snickered and watched the villagers go by.

The Hidden Leaf was _fun_.

* * *

"Jiraiya!" said the old guy in the funny hat behind the desk. "You've returned at last. It's been far too long."

"Hey, sensei. Long time no see, huh?"

While his godfather chatted with the old guy, Naruto looked around for something entertaining to do.

The room wasn't big, an office, probably. It was hard to tell what color the walls and carpet were because there were enormous stacks of notes and records scattered in every direction, but he thought it might be a brownish tan. There were large windows behind the desk that let a fair amount of light into the room, and provided a nice view of the multicolored rooftops and the clear blue sky above them. Now he looked closer, he could see a number of ninja hopping from rooftop to rooftop.

But that was _outside. _Outside was interesting, but inside was boring, and inside was where he was.

He wandered over to a corner where a hanging wall scroll declared 'UNITY' in dark, bold characters.

Booooring.

Below the scroll, though, there was a small table of dark mahogany wood with a variety of objects on its surface. There was a tall vase sculpted with a pattern of unfolding petals. It was probably one of those fancy expensive things, but that was boring too. There was a bottle of sake that looked absolutely ancient- ew, who would drink that? It's got cobwebs and everything- and an elaborate seal on the top like the stuff they used in ceremonies and swearing oaths.

But last of all, there was a bonsai tree on it. That was moderately more interesting: Naruto had always thought it'd be cool to have one of those, but since they were always moving from place to place there wasn't much of a chance of that happening. Not like you could stick a tree in your backpack, anyway.

Hey, maybe he could have one now that they were staying put.

_Yeah, _he thought, warming to the idea_, That would be so cool. I'd name it 'Mr. Ukki' and I could put it in my room- hey, I have a room now, don't I? _

Pleased with his plan, he reached out to pick up the tree, just to check it out for a little while. He wondered what kind of tree it was. He'd seen a merchant selling bonsai banyans, but this didn't look like those had at all. Its leaves were smaller, less like a wacky sprout and more like an actual miniature tree.

Jiraiya's voice got a little louder, and Naruto listened in on the adults' conversation for a minute.

"I'm not stupid," said his godfather emphatically. "I see what you're getting at. First it's a few extra tasks closer to home. Then it's regular assignments. Then a job in the village. And then, _you_ sneak out from under the hat and the entire council is on my case to become the Fifth."

"Not at all," said the old guy with quiet diffidence. "I just think that it be nice if you had a little regularity in your assignments. Perhaps not on your own account, but-"

"For Naruto? He's not stupid, either. He can fend for himself."

"Resourcefulness is not the same thing-"

"Oi, Naruto!" called his godfather. "I forgot to introduce you! Sensei, this is Naruto Uzumaki."

Naruto bowed awkwardly, hiding the bonsai behind his back.

"And Naruto," continued Jiraiya, "this is Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage."

_..._

_...  
_

_...  
_

_WHAT?  
_

Naruto started in astonishment, and in turning to his godfather to confirm this crazy joke, jostled the table behind him.

Oh, no-

It tilted just a _tad_ too far to one side. Naruto spun around in alarm, feeling as if he was moving through molasses. It wobbled once, twice, then three times. The tall, intricate vase had a small base, and it wobbled even more dangerously than the table. The sake bottle was tall as well, though with a wider base, and that too wobbled.

Then the vase tipped.

It came crashing down, knocking down the sake bottle as it fell. And once the sake bottle toppled down, the entire table lost its equilibrium and fell to the left, bringing down the old wall scroll as it fell. The ancient ink of the characters cracked so painfully that Naruto would have sworn that it was audible.

"Um... Oops?"

The silence was resounding.

The old guy- oh, crap, that was the Third Hokage- pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. "So much for that, then," he said with a hint of irony. "Those were priceless antiques, you know."

"Jeez, I'm really sorry," Naruto said, feeling kind of awful. "Here, let me fix it."

With deliberate care, he placed the bonsai tree on the Hokage's desk and then turned to set the table to rights. The desk was easily fixed, just a few scratches on the varnish, but the wall scroll's string had been torn and the paper was slightly ripped on one side. The ink was definitely cracked, too. He still did his best to secure it to the wall, though it ended up a little lopsided. There was a small chip in the vase as well, so he turned that side in. He was lucky that it hadn't just shattered straight away. The sake bottle was little beat up, but thankfully was the sturdiest of the lot.

He turned back.

The Third and Jiraiya were still watching him quietly.

_Well, damn. There goes my chance of getting on the old guy's good side and being appointed as Fifth Hokage._

"Um..." he said, feeling very awkward indeed.

Thankfully, Jiraiya took over for him there. "You little knucklehead! How the hell do you manage to damage a bunch of irreplaceable national treasures within your first _hour _in the village without even _trying_? I swear, you're a walking natural disaster."

Well, he didn't _like_ being yelled at, but it was definitely better than sitting in awkward silence.

"Tell you what:" said his godfather in exasperation. "I'll stay here and apologize, and you can go inflict yourself on the villagers instead of us for a while. Got it?"

Naruto nodded mutely.

"Good. You can take the window, if you want. No need to go all the way downstairs."

He was out of the room faster than the Yellow Flash himself.

* * *

"Are you sure that was a good idea?" inquired the Third curiously. "He doesn't know his way around the village."

"Great," said Jiraiya. "Now's the best time to learn."

"But-"

"Relax, Sensei. He's a resourceful kid. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

It was all going so well until the dango hit him in the face.

"Ow!" he yelled- it didn't really hurt, it was more surprise than anything, but still. "What the hell?!"

There was silence.

Bewildered and more than a little annoyed, he reached up and touched the sticky mess that stuck firm in his bangs.

_Ew._ Like his hair wasn't ridiculously wild already, now he had a bunch of syrup in it- that would be a pain. But he had to get it out of his hair quickly before the stuff hardened. If he let it, it'd get like cement or something- and the last time something had gotten caught in his hair, Jiraiya'd said it was Naruto's own damn fault and he wasn't about to get stuck with someone else's problem. And when Naruto had protested, Jiraiya had smiled a wicked grin and pulled out a kunai. And then, quick as a flash, he'd taken the dried up gunk (Naruto didn't even remember what it had been) and sliced off the entire mass of Naruto's hair. Naruto'd had to go around looking incredibly lopsided for almost a year before it grew back.

Carefully, he extricated the stick of syrup dumplings from his hair.

Oh, great. Not only was this the stickiest, gooiest kind of dango there was- mitarashi dango- but it was half-eaten. Only two of the three dumplings remained on the stick.

With a sigh, Naruto made to chuck the dango into the trash.

Then paused.

His stomach growled loudly.

_I haven't eaten since breakfast_, he thought morosely. _And it's gotta be, like, three in the afternoon. Aw, man, I'm starving._

He glanced down at the dango in his hand.

_It doesn't look dirty or_ _anything._

And then, temptation overcame him, and he popped one of the two dumplings into his mouth.

It was _good_. Naruto didn't really have dango that often, but this was way better than the stuff he'd had at festivals. He'd gone to a fair few of those, when Jiraiya'd dumped him somewhere for a day or two to go do something else. Since they never had any ramen at the festivals, he'd always had to pick and choose from the food they had at the little stalls. There'd been plenty of dango, and although he'd thought it was okay, it wasn't great. Too sticky and not enough slurp. Most of all, it wasn't ramen.

But this was really tasty dango. (Still not even close to being as good as ramen, though. Naruto was faithful.) It made the dango at the festivals seem rubbery and bland in comparison. It wasn't just sweet, either; it was flavorful and filling.

Without even realizing it, he plucked the second dumpling off the stick and took a bite.

And then his world went black as something hit him with resounding impact.

* * *

"Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

The two men regarded each other solemnly as the implications of that statement sunk in. Then, their blank gazes turned simultaneously to looks of abject horror.

Jiraiya was out the window in a flash.

It _was_ Konoha, after all.

* * *

"_Die, dango thief!_" shreiked a crazed female voice somewhere above Naruto's head as he lay pinned on the ground. "Your sins will be cleansed with your wails of agony and your final dying breath! I'll rip out your intestines and nail them to the walls! Your fingers will be pickled and placed at street corners as an example for other would-be wrongdoers!"

Naruto was starting to freak out just a _little_.

He wriggled and squirmed, but the assailant's iron grip never wavered. He couldn't focus his chakra or anything, and his thoughts were growing dangerously hazy as he struggled to draw breath. The weight of the assailant wasn't much, but it was focused so precisely on his chest that it crushed all the air out of his lungs. His arms were pinned away from his shuriken pouch and his legs were tangled up impossibly underneath him.

_Rap!_

The pressure on his lungs vanished with the strange sound, and his vision slowly returned to him in grainy specks of light. He rolled to his side, retching and rubbing his throat and taking great gulps of air. After a few moments of this, his vision was restored entirely and the pounding of his head slowed enough for him to think properly.

He was staring into the corner of the alleyway which he had been standing beside earlier.

Wait, her kick had sent him flying that far? It was at least three or four meters from his original position. Could humans even _do _that?

Rubbing his head, he sat up.

Someone extended a hand to him.

"You okay?" said the hand's owner with a disinterested yawn.

It was a few moments before Naruto remembered to look up and see whose hand that was, exactly. It was another few moments before he remembered that he'd been asked a question, and a few moments longer than that before he realized that he ought to answer. And then he was trying to remember what the question was, and whether there was something else he'd forgotten entirely.

"See, Anko?" said the hand's owner to someone behind him. "That's why you can't go attacking innocent civilians: you give them brain damage and then you get more paperwork."

"He deserved it!" cried a woman's voice indignantly. "He stole my dango!"

"If he really does have brain damage or trauma or something and I have to write a witness report, I will kill you," said the hand's owner with a charming smile.

Or, well, _not _a smile.

And then Naruto's befuddled brain made the connection at last.

"You're Kakashi Hatake!" Naruto cried out in realization. "You're-"

(He almost said _Jiji's biggest fan!_ but stopped himself in time. Jiraiya was sort of keeping his return to Konoha on the down-low.)

The masked man turned back to look at Naruto curiously.

"Yep," Kakashi said agreeably. "Who the hell are you?"

* * *

**Cliff hanger, kill me, angry mob, blah blah blah.**

**All righty, then. A couple of notes:  
**

**1.) Go vote on my poll if you haven't done so already! I could definitely use the input for this story, and every suggestion is valuable. The poll is on my profile at the top of the page. Just pick any choices that appeal to you (maximum of 3) and submit your vote!  
**

**2.)Chapter 3: Making Friends With a Rock (or Two)****: Naruto is adjusting to Konoha just fine. It is home to many strange and mysterious things: lots of little kids to make into minions; the ramen of the gods; crazy psychopaths out for his blood; fanboys and fangirls in terrifying quantities; and you just can't throw a rock without hitting one of those jaded preteen geniuses, can you?**  


**3.) I'm working on changing all mentions of 'Hidden Leaf' to 'Konoha' for simplicity's sake. I'm trying to keep unnecessary Japanese to a minimum (eg., 'shinobi' instead of 'ninja') but there are some terms ('Konoha' and 'shuriken') that are really easier than their English counterparts.  
**

**4.) Feel free to review!  
**


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